I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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