do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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