I puked a lego.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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