Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
