I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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