Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize