i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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