Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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