omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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