I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
