im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
