I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
