Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
