Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
