We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
