i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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