I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
