your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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