Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
barbara walters just said penis...
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
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