A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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