Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your cock deserves a montage
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
