Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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