Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
