I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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