Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
