Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
