Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
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