I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
She has the best kind of daddy issues
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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