So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
