Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
