ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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