me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize