If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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