I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize