Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
