I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This house was built for laser tag.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Randomize
