I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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