I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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