When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
