I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
