i wish there were pregnant emoticons
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
