TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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