no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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