Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
