Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
