I bet he comes in French.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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