before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
