That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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