I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
