Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
