It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
