Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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