If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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