I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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