so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
