you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
