there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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