its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
