I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
