just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
