my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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