I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
