We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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