Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
