I wish my penis had an off switch
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
